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MurfQ — The Wall - Haiku
Published: 2004-09-21 19:45:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 146; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 10
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Description
Brick by brick I builtThis wall that separates us
I'm tearing it down
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Comments: 22
Very, very good. In a haiku (or senryu, whichever), the most important thing is careful word selection. Of course, all poetry needs careful word selection, but few as extreme as a haiku. Each word is full of strength and vigor, and sweeps you to the next.
The only thing I would do is to add punctuation to invoke a pause in the reader. Something like:
Brick by brick I built
This wall that separates us.
I'm tearing it down.
This causes the reader to pause after the second line before reading the third line, and gives a bit more of a punch. Perhaps a period isn't quite what you'd like there, but you want something stronger than a comma? A semi-colon would fit rather well, but a dash would be ideal. Unfortunately, I don't know the tab to make a dash on the computer.
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Good point. I very seldom ever put punctuation in my poetry. Perhaps I should start though. To me the pause is naturally there, but that's of course because I wrote it. I fail to take into account that the people reading it need a little direction if they are going to read it the way I intended for it to be read.
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Meaningful, I like it. Don't worry, hakaus are one of the more difficult venues of poetry, considering that you have to convey so much in so little space to make it worthwhile. Course, that's why I only wrote one. 
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Thanks mucho and for the fav. I wish you hadn't mentioned taffy, now you made me hungry. Or perhaps you just made me stop and think about how hungry I am...
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Absolutely fantastic! This is what haikus are all about - short and snappy, but every word chockablock full of meaning. I love it. Fantastic.
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Thanks so much. And for the fav. I think I shall have some fun expanding my poetic horizons
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Yep... I suck at Haiku's too (and Senryu for matter, actually any artsy literary style.. I just pretty much blow at 
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Thanks so much. You just might see more of these sorts of things from me. I think I shall look into Haikus vs Senryus and such first though. I need to learn the rules so I can break them with style
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Haiku's are really cool poems
jonE
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Thanks! It was a very heartfelt moment.
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I'm proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone, just as you are encouraging me to do! This poem I think is more about that you put forth the bravery to do that than anything else... The change, trying a new thing, breaking the trend; all of those describe both teh dismanteling of the wall, as well as stepping out and trying a new style. I think that is why I like it the most.
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Aww thanks. It actually didn't start out that way at all. But yeah, it feels good to try new things.
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This is technically not a haiku but a senryu, but it's quite nicely written. I might change the last line somehow, though. And the title is a bit plain, you could consider changing it.
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Isn't a haiku simply based on syllable count 5,7,5? What's a senryu, I've never heard of that before....
As you can tell, I'm not well versed in the technicalities of poetry. Thank you much for your critique. What is it about the last line that you don't like? Is it because of the contraction? I was wondering about that myself....
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It's a common misbelief, haikus aren't about the syllable count at all. The 5/7/5 is more like the recommended maximum amount of syllables. I think for senryu it's more important. You can have a one-line haiku with a total of six syllables. Haikus are all about the content. They're supposed to be nature based and express a feeling of awe. There are some other rules too, Google if you're interested. Senryus are less restricted.
I'm not sure what's wrong with the last line. It seems like a choice lacking imagination, I think many people would pick the same or very similar ending when presented with the first two lines. I also think the continuous verb form (-ing) doesn't sound powerful enough, it sounds like laziness to me, hard to explain.
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Kewl! I had no idea. That's all really interesting. I shall have to check into that further. Thanks for the heads up.
And yeah, I see what you mean about the last line now. Perhaps I will give some thought to other possibilities. I will definitely keep that in mind in the future. Thanks again for your critique, I don't get a lot of constructive criticism. I really appreciate it.
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Short but very meaningful.
I definitely like it. Very well done!
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Thanks. At first, the first two lines were going to be one line in a much longer poem, but then I decided that this was all I wanted to say. For now anyway. So I decided to go with the Haiku.
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ah, well it seems to have been a good decision on your part then!
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I'm glad you like
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