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Published: 2013-12-18 21:54:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 504; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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All through my life, I have only ever been sure of two things.Thing number one. Mysterious, paranoid communities consisting of omni-suited rodents armed up to the tits are inherently awesome.
Thing number two. Discussions about the economy are not.
So it was with mixed feelings that I boarded the sub to Letuposis as the Honorary Ambassador for Trade and Commerce on behalf of the United Kingdom of Species. In case you're unfamiliar with the jargon, it signifies that I'm supposed to be getting some more cash in for the British government. Apparently you can go on an international trip to the bottom of the North Atlantic (all expenses paid) on the say-so of less than six men, provided they book it on a Friday afternoon and everyone is bored enough not to be paying attention properly.
My brief was in two parts. The first was to attempt to establish a preliminary agreement of trade between the British and Terran governments. The second was far more interesting.
I tried to look professional, but I couldn't help but stare at Letuposis as we approached. The great dome loomed out of the darkness like a colossal bubble that refused to burst. City lights blinked and shimmered through it, magnified by the glass to create rays of colour that sliced through the murk towards us. Terran constructs hovered around the exterior of Letuposis - a combination of military vehicles and early-warning systems, all ready for the ever-impending apocalypse.
They greeted us politely enough, which is a nice way to say that they didn't open fire on us. A military escort guided our sub to the ports that lined the bottom of the dome. I was to meet with my contact there, who would take me to the Reeve; their equivalent of a sheriff.
The sub surfaced in a cramped, dark hangar. I picked up my suitcase, and checked the clasps. A brief glance out of one of the portholes revealed the Terran I guessed was there to greet me, watching impassively as water cascaded down the glass. Instead of an army helmet, a long dark hood hung ominously over his masked head, his long ears tucked somewhere amongst the folds. I scowled, thinking about those masks of theirs. An entire nation of creatures with perpetual poker-faces.
Covers started to descend over the portholes, which I guessed was supposed to nudge me towards the door. It hissed as I neared it, unseen mechanisms whirring and clicking within. Without warning, it suddenly swung open, and I just about suppressed an expletive as I saw the Terran standing calmly just behind it.
As you'd expect, the omni-suits have a tendency to make most Terrans share a largely uniform appearance. But now that he was closer, I could make out the subtle distinguishing features i0n his gear. The eyes of his mask were more circular than most I'd seen before, and he had patchy but apparently deliberate orange marks dotted around the casing, mirrored here and there on the body of his bright omni-suit. The filter was long and thin, and clouds of smoke emanated from it in short, sharp puffs. The dots on his omni-suit occasionally blinked furiously, before settling back into their natural continuous state.
Without a word, he held out a hand. I shook it. Then I was barely out of the sub before he was ushering me out of the hangar.
"You must be Mr Daric." he said, cheerfully. The mask slightly dulled the sound of his speech, but otherwise his voice was perfectly clear. It was faintly tinted with an accent I couldn't identify.
"You don't have to worry about the Mister." I told him, as he fell into step beside me.
His head momentarily snapped in my direction. "We are not yet on first name terms, Mr Daric."
"I don't have a surname." I explained. "So I'm on first name terms with everyone."
He didn't reply to that. A few seconds later, we were out onto the street. I barely had time to glance at the magnitude of their structures or the nuances of their design before I was hurried into a waiting cab, which screeched away from the seaport. All the doors immediately slammed closed, and covers descended over the windows, leaving only a sliver of light to bleed in from the sunroof.
The interior was surprisingly spacious, and I found myself on a large but comfortable seat. Straps dangled down from every side, but I didn't bother using them. I sat with my back to the driver's cabin, facing my guide and another Terran, both of whom had also eschewed their own straps.
The first, the one who had escorted me from the sub, had thrown back his hood. I couldn't help but stare slightly at his short, twitchy ears, which were more reminiscent of a dog's than a rabbit's.
The second appeared calmer, and I guessed he was probably higher up the ladder. The back of his combat helmet extended into a smooth, sloping neck-guard, and a long strip of metal ran up his mask from the top edge of his filter, before branching off into two segments that arched over the rims of his eyeholes. Two black half-moon cylinders curved forwards from either side of his filter, giving the slightly unnerving impression of pincers, or tusks.
"You are Daric." Said the second creature, leaning forward so that the light caught his conical helmet. His voice was muffled, but warm - like campfire in a fog.
"I am." I replied politely. "And you are Reeve Haast."
Hasst nodded serenely, indicating the Terran on his left.
"This is Vredell."
I inclined my head. Vredell gestured politely, but did not speak.
"So why have you come to see me?"
Here goes. "I'm here to negotiate a trade -"
"No, Daric." The Reeve shook his head. I could hear his smile through his voice. "The real reason. I must confess, I find myself concerned at the ineptitude of British foreign intelligence."
There was a brief silence as I adjusted.
"Firstly, we're testing the waters, if you'll pardon the pun." I admitted. "Wanted to see the state of your security, and whether it was up to scratch."
They both seemed amused by this. I think. It was difficult to tell.
"And is it?"
I waved a hand. "Seems to be, doesn't it?"
Vredell tapped his filter thoughtfully. "How did you expect to get through here with a half-baked cover story, Mr Daric?"
"It was a perfectly decent cover story for my purposes." I retorted indignantly. "Bond's were never particularly elaborate, and he always got the job done."
"James Bond is a fictional character." Haast pointed out, quite reasonably. "Also, he continually got his cover blown within about half an hour and always ended up dangling over pits of sharks."
Wow. I hadn't even expected him to get the reference. Hey - my God. He was right. James Bond is shit at covert spying.
"What's in the briefcase?" Vredell nodded at it.
I shrugged. "Forms Papers. Props. Nothing significant. It was for appearances only."
Haast nodded, satisfied. "Now, besides security. What is it you're really here for?"
"To be blunt, Reeve, the only function of the trade envoy act was to get me an audience with you. I'm buying the lives of two citizens." I said. They'd been honest enough with me, and the fact that I wasn't in chains being repeatedly poked with a vast number of unpleasant things at that moment was enough of a testament to their integrity for me. "Divers. Explorers. Pioneers of the unknown, masters of the natural world."
"The Dwarves."
"Yes."
Haast immediately became fidgety, and Vredell's hand flicked to the device on his wrist. I wondered if Vredell had ever heard of 'shooting the messenger'. His body language suddenly indicated he might well be considering it.
"They stole from us. Their sentence was execution." Haast said finally. His body language was stiffer, and the black circles he used for eyes were coldly impassive.
"I'm well aware of that." I replied calmly. "But they're still British citizens, and you can't just execute them without trial. This is a diplomatic matter, and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say nobody wants a war over this."
They exchanged a glance.
Well, fuck.
I tried to keep my voice level.
"Now, gentlemen. I hope you realise that if you have in fact done as I'd feared - that is to say, fed my fellow countrymen to your genetically-engineered captive abomination to be atomised by the living parasites it carries around on its face - I will in fact be quite angry." I stretched out the next word. "Pret-ty livid, I daresay."
They were silent. Even Vredell didn't move.
"Is that," I spoke through gritted teeth, "what has happened?"
Haast glanced at Vredell, who didn't take his eyes off me.
"No." he muttered. He seemed oblivious to my small exhalation, instead checking his watch. "But it will in less than an hour."
The feeling of relief vanished.
"Where?" I snapped.
"Centre of Town Square. Zone Two."
"Take me there."
"Daric." Haast muttered. He seemed to have recovered somewhat, and small clouds of white smoke puffed from his filter in slow, relaxed breaths. "I want to help you. But I'm not a member of the government - I can't arbitrarily reverse this decision."
"I can." I barked.
"You and what army?" interjected Vedrell.
"The British army." I retorted.
He was silent, and his hands began twitching again. Ten points to Daric, I think.
"It's impossible." added Haast. "We can't do it with this timeframe."
I forced myself to stay calm.
"These Dwarves are not career criminals, Reeve Haast." I said, slowly. "They're refugees. They are not malicious, they are not cunning. They are simply desperate."
"I understand that." Haast replied smoothly. He stared at me. It took a second for me to realise he was thinking. "There may yet be a way out." he said finally. "As Reeve, I have the ability to call an appeal at any given point before the execution. No one has yet called for one for the Dwarves, and the accused can't do it on their own behalf. If the public vote sways in their favour, I can pardon them. But if the vote sways against them, they die."
I scowled. This was bullshit of the highest order. If the Dwarves died, especially in such a gruesome manner, the Home Office would not take it well. The Terrans were risking a lot for the sake of this one trivial law of theirs. But Haast was no politician, and he hadn't lied to me yet. He was making the best offer he could in good faith, and I couldn't fault him for that. Neither could I refuse him.
"Fine." I sighed. "How long until we're at Zone Two?"
Haast clapped his hands together, a surprisingly human gesture. The smile returned to his voice as I felt the cab slow to a halt.
"Shall we step outside?"
*
The unnamed Terran unfolded his arms, and threw them out wide as he launched himself backwards into the empty air.
Watching him sparked a vague recollection in my mind's eye. Just a brief image. A similarly dark figure, falling backwards into certain death. I banished the image from my head.
"Another thief?"
"No." Haast responded. "A serial killer."
My eyes tracked the condemned creature as he dived from the platform, plunging fifty feet before breaking the surface of the water with barely a splash.
"Nine people." Vredell said from somewhere over my shoulder. "Tore off their masks and gassed them."
"Hm." I replied, barely listening.
They say you learn something new every day. While I generally only hold that to be true if you're a schoolchild or a simpleton, I had discovered something interesting - Terrans literally don't fear death. When you grow up believing that the world will end at any moment, the Reaper sort of loses His edge. Not only that, but their pain tolerance is monumental. It's a conditioning. Just imagine. Any pain you're currently experiencing, or ever going to experience, is ending now. Not in a few seconds. Not in a minute. It ends this instant. Knowing that can help you endure almost anything.
So that was the reason why he didn't scream when he hit the water, and it was why he didn't flinch when a thin black tentacle the width of a man's arm wrapped itself around his midsection. Through the glass of the tank and the luminescence of the water within, I watched as the convict was brought level with the creature's face. More tentacles gripped his arms and legs. From high on the platform where we stood, I could make out the Terran's scarred mask turned at an angle, facing directly into the maw. I couldn't see, but I could imagine the serene smile on his face.
The monster opened its jaws, and bathed him in liquid smoke. It enveloped his entire body, shielding him from view.
It was only then that he started screaming.
I couldn't hear that, of course. All I could see was the creature's tentacles stiffen as they tightened their grip on the Terran's struggling limbs, while the parasites ate him alive. Blood started to emerge from the cloud, tinging the dark cloud with a layer of bright red.
"Fuck." I murmured. My knuckles went white, clenching on the briefcase I'd forgotten I was still holding.
I watched as the abomination scooted forward, hoovering up its miniscule companions and the remains of its victim in one smooth movement. Not one of the surrounding Terrans made a sound. Not a movement. In a way, it was almost more chilling than if they'd been cheering, or singing; at least that would have been a reaction. But there was no emotion in their artificial eyes. Not a single response to the fact that a living being had just been torn to pieces in front of them, like it was nothing. They barely even seemed like people - just a vast, emotionless swathe of the almost-living.
Suddenly, I remembered that I'd never seen a Terran's true face, and strangely, the thought made me angry. They were cowards, hiding behind their masks. They weren't really this impassive, but they pretended to be for the sake of each other, and for the sake of themselves. For them, this was just a fact of life, for the good of society. They had already rationalised it in their heads, and their minds were made up. Haast's vote would be utterly futile. The Dwarves would die horrible, pointless deaths - the price to pay for their lack of intricate knowledge about Terran laws.
And they were fucking refugees.
I think it was at this point that I finally dispensed with the politics. I wasn't going to let two innocent people die for the sake of an obscure law created by a society unwilling to entertain the slightest notion of mercy. Plan B. I dropped the suitcase with a thud, and put a hand inside my jacket. My fingers closed around a gun. If you're interested, it was a Tolok, an Orcan revolver manufactured in Holland, and it could turn a man's head into shrapnel at twenty paces.
Slowly, I drew it.
So - want to guess what happened next?
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Comments: 12
01t1mer0nly [2014-01-29 12:17:24 +0000 UTC]
You've posted on the critique thread the second part of the story. For the sake of trying to follow everything, I've read this one. Now, I'll give my thoughts.
"Thing number one. Mysterious, paranoid communities consisting of omni-suited rodents armed up to the tits are inherently awesome."
""You must be Mr Daric." he said, cheerfully. I liked him instantly."
As much as possible, avoid using adverds ending in -ly in fiction writing. It's good advice, as you're forced to show more. For the second quote, again, show Daric's expressions here rather than simply telling.
Although you show enough with some characters and their descriptions, it's best to trim some instances of interaction that aren't relevant to the plot. This is one thing I've read in a book concerning the pacing of the short story: "I don't have much time here, but let me tell you about what happened to this guy."
"'You are Daric.' Said the second creature, leaning forward so that the light caught his conical helmet."
Minor grammatical error. It could be better done as "The second creature leaned forward, his conical helmet catching the light. 'You are Daric.'"
"I retorted indignantly."
Avoid said-bookisms. These are words that you use in place of the word 'said'. While you did use 'retorted' here not as a said-bookism but as an action, the -ly adverb could be replaced by gestures.
Also, avoid needless exposition. If it's slowing down the plot, it's not needed.
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Lethus1 In reply to 01t1mer0nly [2014-01-29 18:15:36 +0000 UTC]
"Also, avoid needless exposition. If it's slowing down the plot, it's not needed."
...That's a bit embarrassing, because it's almost word for word what I said to someone else about their writing yesterday!
"This is one thing I've read in a book concerning the pacing of the short story: "I don't have much time here, but let me tell you about what happened to this guy.""
Can you provide some instances of this? I've read it over and over and I've deemed everything in there necessary, so sadly I won't be able to spot it myself. You know what it's like when you read something you've written over and over - eventually you keep looking but stop seeing.
All your points are sound, I'll have another look.Thanks for reading in-depth, and for taking the time to seek out this bit. I really appreciate it
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Gobba42 [2013-12-24 08:39:11 +0000 UTC]
Terrific! The James Bond bit is hilarious. I especially like how you can humanize such alien beings as Terrans. Also, good job seamlessly alluding to the last story and adding a new monster. I can't wait for the next part.
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Lethus1 In reply to Gobba42 [2014-01-06 21:55:30 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Someone suggested it to me the other day and I thought it deserved a wider audience. Also, there was a study at some point done by people at a university which was presumably very short of things to study that day. They concluded that Bond would almost certainly be suffering from several STDs, which makes covert spying a bit more tricky.
I got a camera for Christmas so trying my hand a bit at photography at the moment, but I'm thinking over Daric's situation. The next one definitely needs to be shorter, and that's my main obstacle!
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orchidshadowfox [2013-12-22 16:13:10 +0000 UTC]
I'm admittedly starting to expect a fight to occur anywhere around Daric, almost inevitably. He seems to be an exceptionally quick thinker, but also stupidly impulsive sometimes. It's an interesting sort of character.
My only note here (and this, after reading quite a few of Daric's pieces) is that you do stray towards a formulaic plotline. Much like with 'Diplomacy,' there's either a direct fight, or one that readers can reasonably expect.
Still very, very good though.
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Lethus1 In reply to orchidshadowfox [2014-01-06 22:03:55 +0000 UTC]
There are several explanations for this. In terms of story and character, Daric can be impulsive, you're right. He's quick, he's intelligent, but he's also impatient with anyone who can't keep up with him. Day to day, this doesn't have many major consequences apart from sarcasm. But because I tend to slam him into large-scale, precarious situations, it makes sense that his temper should have often negative consequences. That was most of the joke with "Diplomacy", and with "Laughter" - ie that he wasn't very good at the former, because he was on a completely different level of knowledge (and sometimes awareness) to everyone else.
In terms of actual real-world explanations, it's because I write about the stuff that interests me, and invariably I tend to imagine Daric in high-octane situations. Your point is an interesting one, and I really appreciate you pointing it out, because no one else has ever said it and I'd never have noticed it on my own. I'll try and vary him a bit.
Having said that, I'm hoping to surprise you with the ending to this one. Thanks for the parting compliment, your continued attention is ever valued
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orchidshadowfox In reply to Lethus1 [2014-01-07 00:33:44 +0000 UTC]
I'm looking forward to reading it!
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Chezzy-Am [2013-12-21 16:27:48 +0000 UTC]
armed to the tits
tits? seriously? you mean "teeth", right?
They greeted us politely enough,
Why not change it to "their greeting was polite enough".
Reeve; their equivalent of a sheriff
Reeve - their equivalent of a sheriff
in a large but comfortable seat.
"on", rather than "in", when you sit.
I was sat with my back to the driver's cabin
I'm having a problem with the tense placement in this sentence - it should either be "I sat with my back to the driver's cabin" or "I was seater with...".
Hey - my God. He was right.
Hey... my God! he was right;
Terrans literally don't fear death. When you grow up believing that the world will end at any moment, the Reaper sort of loses His edge. Not only that, but their pain tolerance is monumental; it's a conditioning.
Change the dots into ";" and ":". The ";" is to indicate an independent and new fragment and thought process which is a portion of the previous sentence. The ":" is to indicate a dependent description carried in the subsequent sentence.
To be honest with you, I mentioned these mistakes because they were straining my experience of this work. I honestly do like the way you've portrayed Daric thus far. Its good stuff, and especially his decision on going Bond in the ending. The last sentence was spot on, frankly speaking. Well done. Oh, by the way, you owe me a comment on one of my submissions. Keep writing.
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Lethus1 In reply to Chezzy-Am [2014-01-06 21:48:32 +0000 UTC]
Hey man, thanks for this Had a hiatus over Christmas, but I definitely do still owe you a comment - I started on Zarak just before I left but was interrupted by something so never posted it. This is the first time I've seen DA so will continue it momentarily, when I find Zarak again
I'd disagree with some of your points here, but with the utmost of respect, naturally!
Armed to the tits is a phrase I find funny, and Daric shares my sense of humour, so it found its way in. It's also supposed to signify that weapons and violence don't mean an awful lot to Daric - whereas his author still shivers at the sight of armed security at an airport, it's become a big enough part of his life for him to be flippant about it.
In regards to "their greeting", I don't personally think it makes much of a difference. Is there something wrong with it that I'm missing?
The bit about the Reeve and tense placement is sound, I'll change that momentarily. The 'on' rather than 'in' is the result of an edit from when I spent ages describing it as a much bigger chair, and it sort of enveloped him a bit more. Think toddler in a car seat! Thanks for pointing that bit out.
I think a dash is better than an ellipsis because the latter for me tends to suggest a rather longer pause than I'm thinking it'll take Daric to make the connection.
By the time you see this I'll have hopefully edited that last piece of grammar - does it look better now?
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Chezzy-Am In reply to Lethus1 [2014-01-07 05:55:14 +0000 UTC]
And I saw. Thanks. Really. I'll get back to it once my exams are done. Hopefully it'll turn better.
I just chuckled for a moment. I don't know why but I wound up thinking about pierced nipples when I read that... I'm a pervert, sorry man.
their greeting simply indicates that a subject is acting out the verb. And here, the verb's adjective placement is more coherent grammatically.
pronoun-verb-adjective
while the sentence "They greeted us politely enough," means that there were more than one persons escorting Daric, and hence there's support for Daric. At the same time, it is indicating an incoherent degree of politeness. With the sentence "Their greeting was polite enough", the its understood that their apparent hostility is indicative.
Cute.
Alright man - makes sense. I'll accept it.
I did - reads like a charm.
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Lethus1 In reply to Chezzy-Am [2014-01-07 22:36:37 +0000 UTC]
That is entirely your gig and I'm not taking any further part in that discussion because I'm not that kind of a writer Also just...just no.
Aye, it all still works in the first instance. When he says us, I was hoping it was clear that he was referring to himself and the sub driver, who's not Terran and waits in the hangar. I might slip something in to make that more obvious.
As for incoherent degrees of politeness on their part, that's one of the more fascinating things about them. You can see Vedrell being inordinately polite to Daric on their very first meeting, and he and Haast act perfectly reasonably throughout. That's supposed to stop the reader immediately demonising the Terrans as the "baddies", with Daric as the "goody", and encourage them to think slightly more deeply about the situation.
I like to think a Terran warship would napalm forests full of enemy units in a war scenario, but then offer to replant the trees after the hostilities were over, whether they were the victor or not. That's how I have their military in my head
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Chezzy-Am In reply to Lethus1 [2014-01-08 05:49:01 +0000 UTC]
(laughing) Oh My... that's adorable.
Sure thing man. Good enough.
o_O whaa...? What're they, charitable descendants of Chenghez Khan? You might as well also show Terrans with a Bill Gates type charity foundation:
Get destroyed, and the spoils of war are on us - doesn't matter if we won or lost, its still on us; all psychological treatments of the victims of war is also on us, irrespective of trust issues. Don't worry, we'll make you trust us. (cue fake advertisement smile)
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